Porcine Pedigree by Herschel Sternlieb
Once upon a time, the All American Pig, having grown wealthy and
all-powerful and desiring a coat of arms with which to embellish his
pajamas, sought the services of a genealogist.
"Your earliest known ancestor was the Great Roman Swine," stated the
specialist, his finger resting firmly in a well used tome. "He was
most prolific, inbreeding with every pig in Europe, North Africa and
Asia Minor, but he ate too much and died from indigestion."
"What would you suggest as a symbol of this great ancestor for my coat
of arms?" asked the All American pig.
"A wolf nursing two, fat piglets."
"Splendid, and who was my next notable ancestor?"
"The Mongolian Horde Hog," answered the genealogist, flipping a few
pages. "His appetite was even larger than that of the Great Roman
Swine and he ate up everything from the Mediterranean to the Pacific
Ocean. He was insatiable. Eventually, he grew so obese that he
couldn't walk and died wallowing in his own filth."
"What a tragic ending for so heroic a beast, but he must have had a
grand time getting there. And for my coat of arms...?"
"An armed piglet astride a Siberian pony."
"Not bad, and my next ancestor...?"
"That would be the Noble British Boar. He had, without doubt, the
greatest appetite of all time, for he consumed half the earth and most
of its water. But as his powers waned, he ate less and less until at
his demise, he was so emaciated that he had the aspect of a plucked
chicken, but with his head held high."
"That's a pity, but what magnificent pig blood he possessed, and
for my coat of arms...?"
"I would suggest a clawed porker standing on his hind legs with the
world in his mouth."
"Excellent, and to complete the project, I will need something to
represent my own gluttony."
"How about a dollar bill?"
"No, it's not what it used to be."
"Well then, how about something both gluttonous and deadly?"
"What would you suggest?"
"A mushroom cloud."
"Magnificent, hand me that missile so I can start embroidering."
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