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The Lords of Enron

by Herschel Sternlieb

King Bushy Tushy was practicing jujitsu with a Barbie Doll when he was notified that the Lords of Enron were seeking an urgent and immediate audience with him. He was overjoyed since every time the Lords visited, they bore fabulous gifts of cold cash. But his time, they appeared empty handed, disheveled and unshaven, tearing their garments, and wailing as they prostrated themselves before him.

"So where’s the cash?’ he asked.

"It’s all in Switzerland," they replied. "We are being pursued by the law for robbing the life-savings of our serfs and bilking the Barons of Wall Street out of billions, so we have hidden our assets safely out of reach and we have come to beg you to call off the investigation, so that we can enjoy the fruits of our rapacity."

Bushy Tushy pleaded his usual ignorance and summoned Sir Ashcroft, the Grand Inquisitor Ashcroft explained that the Lords of Enron had indeed done some very questionable things from which they had profited greatly but they had shared a good deal of their gains with the King and for this they should not be made to suffer. They had, however, discomfited the Barons of Wall Street and the last thing the King needed was to antagonize the Barons, for they could depose him in a flash.

Bushy Tushy broke out in a cold sweat. He pleaded with Ashcroft to save his friends from prison and yet preserve his stay on the throne.
Ashcroft, ever the pragmatist, had a ready plan. "By bilking their serfs of all their savings, the Lords of Enron were only following in the footsteps of what is known as standard corporate procedures, for which there is no penalty. However, when they shafted the Barons of Wall Street they went too far. The Barons are angry and unforgiving. Therefore, your friends must face the prospect of long prisons sentences. However, they should not be discomforted too long or severely, for they shall serve their terms in Danbury Castle where the mattresses are soft and the food is plentiful and tasty. And on the last day of your reign, you shall issue them unconditional pardons."

"Yippee! Ashcroft you’re amazing!" shouted the King, jumping up from his throne and clapping his hands. The Lords of Enron were relieved and departed with great smiles on their faces.

Bushy Tushy then sank back on his throne and mused, "When I retire to my princedom in Texas, they can come with me and we will shoot quail and clip coupons all day. It will be paradise."

"Right on, your Majesty," said Sir Ashcroft. "But don’t forget their Swiss bank accounts. Before you issue any pardons, get the cash up front."

"You’ll remind me?"

"Never fear."