Sick and Sympathy by Herschel Sternlieb
Once again, King Bushy Tushy was in trouble. His approval ratings were nearing zero. He would surely lose his throne if something weren't done immediately. His wise men immediately counseled declaring war. Cuba was first on the list but Lord Rove objected stating that he had a large stake in a Spanish real estate company that was heavily invested in Cuban resort properties. Iraq came next but Lord Cheney vetoed it on the grounds that his wife owned a French Epicurean food conglomerate that had the humus and baklava monopolies in Baghdad. And thus it was with each potential enemy, someone had invested huge sums of money in every nation and territory on earth, except Guam.
"Well, let's attack it!" shouted Bushy striking the table as forcefully as he could.
"Easy there," cautioned Lord Card. "We can't do that. It's part of our own country."
"I didn't know that," said Bushy Tushy. It's amazing what one learns on this job.. So what are we going to do to improve my ratings?."
" Poll numbers always rise when a king gets sick." Stated Lord Rove. There followed a lengthy discussion on what would be the most appropriate ailment. What sort of disease would help the most. The debilitation had to be something from which the King could recover, for the people had to have hope. They were looking for sympathy, not condolences. Thus a heart attack, cancer and AIDS were eliminated.
"How about the loss of a limb?" suggested Lord O'Neil..
"No way" screamed Bushy..."My royal person is inviolate."
"Were' not suggesting anything drastic÷just a pinkie or a little toe."
"No way… no way. The loss of a toe throws you off balance. and, the loss of a pinkie would be disconcerting when I take tea with mother." Bushy Tushy refused to discuss it further. Ulcers were dismissed as showing a weakness in his ability to cope with stress.
They then considered bursitis, colitis, hemorrhoids, laryngitis, testitis and tennis elbow and finally settled on diarrhea as being the most appropriate affliction. It was universally recognized and would arouse a maximum of sympathy. The nation was so notified of the King's ailment and after two weeks of extensive media coverage, Bushy Tushy recovered and stumped the country extolling the virtues of Imodium in which Lords Cheney, Card, O'Neil and Rove had secured a huge investment.
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