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Humanizing Corporations

by Herschel Sternlieb

After being granted many human rights, the corporations grew so wealthy and successful that the Sultan of Compassion decided to honor them with as many human qualities as possible, including civil rights and civic obligations. His first act was to grant them rights under the 13th Amendment and release them from slavery. No longer could they be bought and sold. After they had reached their 18th birthday, corporations were granted the right to vote, and were eligible for the draft. Next, the Sultan enforced the laws against polygamy. Corporations could only have one place of business to love, honor and cherish.. At the age of 65, they could go on Social Security and at 75, they were granted state funerals. The corporations complained bitterly. They wanted immortality, slavery and polygamy enshrined as their inalienable rights. The Sultan, however, was adamant. The corporations were going to be as human as possible. To prove his determination, he hired 200 bodyguards and a food taster.